phil milito day blog: November 2011

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I have little I can love and know it is love

the lusts the hungers the foolishness

that comprises my daily comedy

no longer amuse or entice me

and all I have left (fragile as it is)

is the little I can love that I know is love

if God wants me to sing His praises

He going to have to treat me

a little more sweetly

I know His justice

I've felt (in spades) His vengeance

now I need to know

His mercy and His love

how can I praise the One

when I'm a stranger to His grace?

my heart is full

I cannot load all my emotions

or my outcomes into it

for processing

I've exhausted everything I'm about

and where I once saw a way

now I just see

the cul-de-sac of a life

I meant to tell you so much

I thought we'd have time

to get to all these things

now that time has run out

what is left to say

except sorry I put it all off?

consequence

the only concern of the One

the judgement setting right

all wrong of effort

and if your sorrow

gets the better of you

well then

consequence has been served

the daily trudge

wearying and wasted

illusion would

trick me and jump start

my energy

but I've lost hope

but at least I won't be fooled

into the wrong destination

each day closer

to where I'm going

each night

the stress

and worry of getting there

each dawn

the stirring

the next move

Friday, November 25, 2011

all lovers of peace

know no peace

while they are in the earth

they are constantly oppressed

by the tyrants of need

who surround them daily

as strangers on the street

or as family who stick pins

in every desire to be one's own

maybe they all are

the same as the peace lovers

and this appalling facade of nastiness

is put the thick skin of acclimation

against the little murders

we perform on each other daily

because in our earthly suffering

we'd beat the Almighty unrecognizable

and left the rotten evil tyrant

in the ditch of His own hell

oh maybe I'm too bitter

and blasphemy is the only way

to project the self-hatred

my own failings have fostered in me

but to find out the hard way

that Grace does NOT supersede karma

and that all the mercy we learned to beseech

the heavens for is the reason

why men turn from the sky

of their imaginings and are the better for it

without these bogus beliefs they learn

from suffering that we all suffer the same

from which the comfort of our daily living

insulate us

is it any wonder anyone would give

all that one's got

to be at peace

the disallowed prohibited flimsy peace

that is but a taste of the heavens

and just a momentary stasis

that smashes hope even as it

strengthens the will

while these are in the earth

all lovers of peace

know no peace

except for that fleeting instant of realization...

you thought I loved you

I did too

now years later

I can't believe either of us

what blinded us

to the inevitable?

what made us think

roses could grow in stone?

my love is easy

it's all in my mind

and so easy to enact

when I am alone

and my bitterness swells

how much can I hurt?

I've lost all track

how much can I love and relate to it?

endlessly obviously

as above so below

all you have to do to know God

is look at the creature (us)

who are in His Image

doesn't that tell you enough of how

miserable we are?

cold ruthless unforgiving

who gives the only chpoice

our way or no way

all we know of God is vengeance

but not one word about the Love

except from deluded believers

who'll never realize how evil

they really are

or how much of a sick joke belief truly is

if you believe in Love

get used to the endless privations and miseries

that the spiritually mature know by heart and soul

and live will pained joy and acceptance

while assholes like me rage against

this condition

this Life-As-It-Is

oh hive buzzing all night in the wall

bees still active in the false spring of November

tropical species move farther north

creatures of the shore

begin mountain climbing

higher each season

oh intractably maniacal Man

lord of the fields and the streams

caretaker and provider of his various tribes

drones poking around in their honey-combed communities

petty little tyrant in a smooth sackcloth of yellow and black fuzz

surrounding his jittery wings

what have you done with your dominion

you endlessly evil fool?

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

oh what a day to go mad

don't know more than you really do

or claim more than you can handle

the liability is totally on you

and God is worse than a Fagin

when it comes to sharing your spoils

and leaving you the grace you thought

would be a balm to madness...

apocalypse rages all around me

and all I can worship

is the large round ass

the tapered legs

and long hanging hair

of this neighborhood's local goddess

oh the Absurdity!

my strength is gone

I am at the mercy of the Merciless

what does it matter

if I make it through this unbelievable ordeal of living?

"Starlight in the east...You're finally released...

But you're stranded with nothing to share..."

there is the harsh unyielding price

you must lose all

even your fancy beliefs

if you will receive the reality

of which God treats...

who knew love and joy

were such anathema

even to the God

of love and joy?

I sink in my regret and anger

but so what?

I'll have to pay for this

in some future life

no matter how contrite I many be

I don't know why Jesus suffered as he did but if God

is so niggardly with Grace

then why are we bothering?

just live and do what you know is right

let that count

even if it doesn't matter to God

it's got to matter somewhere somehow

or why be alive at all?

for those who love Life

let them be saved

for those who love greed and power and know

no love or belief of God

let them rot

I don't care if all my suffering hardened me

instead of enlightened me

let them rot

let them ROT

I would LOVE to track down EVERY asshole

of this generation...

all those who think this technological world

they were born into is some wonderful perfect state of Being

and reach down their throats and pull their assholes

out through their teeth and tie it in a knot

and let it spring back through the base of their skulls

I hate what you scumbags have done to this world

and I hate it that God had let you do it

it's hard enough to accept God's utter lack of mercy and grace

(vengeance being the One's only real concern

and fuck all of us who were stupid and blind enough

to think otherwise)

but I don't give a shit anymore

I'm near the end of this life and I welcome that end

and let this generation drop and rot in its own shit

it may hurt me...may hurt us all because of our Oneness

but I blew my life and God has NO pity

so why should I show mercy or pity?

let the scumbags who are ruining this world have their way

and let them suffer for it accordingly

let them scream and reach out of their fire

let them burn for the hell they've made of this world

we are all we have

let us treat each other more kindly

the Devil is us

but the grace retrieves

from that hell

and that is how the fallen

rise...

women will lead me to hell

over and over again

and in our bliss

we will escape the harrowing

the tongue on the vent

the spasms of ecstasy

and in our loving cumming

will we transcend the hell

that is actually heaven in disguise

how strange to be old now

and to feel as I did when I was young

the young beauties are hotter than ever

and I have nothing to offer them

until they get to the age their pliant mothers are

all night long

with poppi working the night shift

(if he has a job at all)

and looking for the sweet touch of someone

who loves them more

than the ravages of time can afford

mommie I am here for you

your dry vent I will lubricate

and give you

multiple orgasms

that will make you shatter

like church bells

on the eve of a feast

and we will both be more grateful

than we have ever been

than we have ever been

I don't know where I'm going

I care less about where I've been

and if everything is everything

as they used to say

then I should care less where end up

I was on my way there anyway

oh my oh my

what discontent raises its ugly head now

as a salvation beckons

and we miss it

pursuing our other plans

I give you joy

in your journey

that is all I can do

the rest remains with the One

who has other requirements

we can only wrongly

guess at...

so the end has come and gone

as David Blue once aptly put it

we think everything rides

on some life and death choice

and when the moment passes

there we are

where we were

and where we are

and some celestial process grinds on

don't impose any closures

that is not your determination

your role is to see it to your end

and the One determines

from which posture you

continue

Monday, November 21, 2011

I identify with babies and lost pets

their innocence makes my haunted regret

foolish beyond bearing

I was never a friend of the World

(the Earth...yes...a beautiful if brutal planet)

but the World we've made of it? are you fuckin' kidding me?

souls and animal spirits lost

in their fleshy bodies...

I cannot stand the sorrow in it

comfort

comfort and help

in the face of the Void

and what great Ineffable Mystery

made all this and called it good...

at the end of this month

I'll have been writing this blog

for three years

Nov 30 2008

and since then

I confess

I'm even less sure of anything

than I was then

Jesus changed the world in three years

so did Jimi Hendrix

a short run for the long haul

Luke the Drifter sing and pray for me

at the end of this month

my three years are up

and afterward...well...

what is that long haul after all?

this blog will tell even when I'm done

for however long what powers-that-be allow it...

I give and give and give

it is my nature to serve

and the gift I receive in return

is empty-handedness

a gigantic brain fart would blast

my mind into scrambled eggs*

(* a bit of surrealism for Monsieur, an old friend

and colleague in the realms of dreams and desires.

Incroyable!)

were that life so simple

that what you see

is all there is

and even if it were

imagine how

the dense complexity of simplicity

how doing one simple thing

correctly will ruin

a hundred other things

were this state of being not so

but if it weren't

then what would it be otherwise?

who fears the darkness

cannot hide in the light

in plain sight even the shadows

will define you in all your starkness

gray bands form the sky

a chill in the air

I love days like this

a moment off

from the blaze and noise of

sunlight

when it is easier to ignore

the afternoon shadows silent

and dark as the darkest night

better this tranquil monochrome

morning of reflection

and peace

Friday, November 18, 2011

LIFE FOR A LIFE

one life leads to the next

you don't know how or why

you're not supposed to know

how or why

all you have to do is press on

and try not to wind up

where you're not supposed

to be

you hate everyone who isn't you

you fool

they are you

and you are them

and you blame everyone else

for your own delusion

when we awaken

we see no divisions

when we awaken

the dream of individuality is over

and all you/we are

is an unique pattern

cut from a universal cloth

how does that suit you?

Jesus spoke in parables

because he knew no one would comprehend

the Mysteries he came to unveil

so he passed the Word

and we just heard what was in our capacity

to hear

not very constructive

but not meant to be so

who would lay down their life for another?

only one who knows their life is done if they don't

and what vanity that invites

that one walks a greasier tightrope

than the one who does so without thinking

and what redemption that unconsciously gains...

a life for a life

sacrifice only to one who counts the cost

beyond his powers of reckoning

but an uplifting to the one who

does so with no awareness of manipulating

the tote board

there is no freedom as such

we follow the vectors of being

and our only choice and attendant consequence

is to go stall or go with it

over and over age after age

this must be repeated and re-instilled

we follow the vectors of being

there is no freedom as such

lost in a haze of process

found in a clearing of result

it is in our power to go forward

it is not in our power to get where we're going

unless we get it right

God's Will is unmerciful

but God's Grace is inexhaustible

and the One does not play...

we all live under this condition of creation

this is the Deal

how lucky do you feel?

be careful before you plunge

luck and Grace are not easy companions

and nothing is given clean

lifetime after lifetime

the same issues

the same mistakes to be rectified

life after life

the door out

missed on the way to whatever objective

but then again there is

life after life

each life for each life

at best we break our bonds

at worst we we have more than enough rope

it's our choice

our eyes shut

fingers crossed

choice

the very things that kill us

are the very things that free us and bid us live

standing back

or plunging mercilessly

we're all in

and hope the losing is the winning

what you'll never be able to take with you

or what has always been and will always be

yours

* * * * *

Thursday, November 17, 2011

sun tangled in bare branches

the shadows long on the street

carpeted with the stubborn leaves

that have finally surrendered to the wind

winter yet again

this could be the last one

how many more will fate allow me?

no answer but silently creeping shadows

and steadily declining sun slipping through

the skeletal clutch of the dormant trees

all sound muffled under the chill blue backdrop

of the cold empty sky

we stalk the shadows of clouds

racing across the fields ahead of us

that's all we know

that's all we do

if I knew what I was doing

I wouldn't be doing this

I'd be living a real life

with a purpose and a meaning

instead of just mourning a past

that will not let me go

that confuses me with apprehension

that suckers me by looking like a future

if you think you can do better

go ahead

stumble on your ignorant call

get hanged by the nuts of your judgment

but I have much for which to atone

much I wasted I must restore

I'll have to take that as my purpose

and forge that meaning for my being

knowing nothing but awaiting the sound

of the mouth that will whisper my true name

awaiting the ears that will hear this

awaiting the heart that will receive

you will not miss anything

the same shabby ushers guide you to your spot

the same frayed curtains frame the stage

the dry announcement asks for cells to be turned off

and for no photographs to be taken

the lights go up

the same young actors play as if in rehearsal

perfunctory movement keeping the plot moving

for the old pro

the STAR to make an entrance and carry the whole thing

through a leg-and-back stretching intermission

(those damn seats are murder on the knees)

inspection of the audience at interval

(as many struck poses and assumed attitudes as on the stage itself)

then the resumption

the STAR winding up for the pay-off

the show-stopping (or not) moment of denouncement

where every trick is hauled out and used

as the end hangs like smoke in old boy's club

lights out

lights on

the cast holding hands for the bow

then each principal

then of course the STAR

as they all turn and leave for a clothing change

and a late night supper

resuming their ordinary day

and the audience files out with the same thoughts of

where to eat and "what'd'ja think of it?"

as every inner critic spouts into the busy night air outside the theatre

no you missed nothing

except the dream that was interrupted

because someone poked you for snoring too loudly...

it's only the speed of our longing

that makes the people we leave

seem so far behind us

while up ahead of me

on the thread of my trajectory

I see my next ex-friend

soon to be overtaken

or slipping away from my reach

as I clutch dust

as if the stasis of remorse

holds me an instant

on the curb of this busy way

I and we pass or idle

counting counting counting...

"...please no thanked me...you are a wonderful person...

and is hard to find friends like you...love always..."

that was years ago

just as your broken english didn't sound so cute

anymore

young and silly is ever young and silly

with friends so hard to find

but so easy to let go

better to lose a false friend than to gain a true enemy

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

rainy night in New York City

looking out the window of a Thai restaurant

the Christmas lights are already up over the street

and it's not even Thanksgiving yet

it will be spring before you know it

we keep busy with our lives

then when we pause and look up

everything's changed and we say "what the..."

no great observations here

just my moment of looking up

saying "what the...."

as I turn back to my pad thai

before it gets cold

I've done enough damage to my body

it's begun to tell

the last nail is already in my coffin

I think now I'll let God tamp it in

my friends

let's be clear about something

I'm not all "Holy Joe" about things

I need to use convention terminology

but like all who treat of metaphysics

I'm trying to express something inexpressible

I believe in an Ineffable All

all Source of Life

a Mystery that animates all of Creation

I'm not a Christian or a Jew or a Muslim or a Hindu

or a Buddhist or whatever creed one would profess to believing

I simply think this Mystery demands informs all life

and that we are called to actually living

a life of righteousness i.e. the Golden Rule

this isn't about sex (hetero or gay) or eating meat on Fridays

or months of fasting and bowing-and-scraping rituals

it's about walking it the way you talk it

it's about loving your fellow creature as you would love yourself

it's about helping the one next to you who's faltering

and not thinking it's charity or a handout or whatever absurd religious notion

keeps all of us from being One

it's about controlling your hungers

it's about putting a Greater Good before your own immediate satisfactions

it's been told to you over and over and over for eons

and still we mess it up in every casual way the day oofers to us

it's like riding a bicycle

something you never forget once you've learned it

and if you still need training wheels

then know that a religion isn't practiced or believed

it's actually moment by moment lived

so easy it's bound to get screwed up

as our long sad human history attests

but every instant is the moment of moral choice

so here once again is a preaching for those with ears to hear

and that's where I'm at

o.k. sermon over

now let's see how we all (me included)

fuck it up today...

blessings...good luck...whatever it is you need

and do have with you....

I'll slip away then re-appear

a new disguise and a new set of terms

with which I will deal with each new fear

the previous lives I've lived have instilled

at least a new feast for the conquering worms

at most another term of judgment fulfilled

all I know has refused to stay

all I've loved just slipped away

the nails that crucified Jesus get hammered

into our coffins an half inch each day

and "oh Life's such a pity" is all we can say

until Death only has us fully enamored

o.k.

so man is wolf to man

when has that been any different?

well, the difference now

is the very Earth cannot support

this insanity any longer

and every man wolf or imagined angels

is scurrying for cover

and there is no cover

our hungers and delusions

are staring us straight in the face

and this is how the One

exacts the price of our wayward sojourns

we consume each other and the biggest wolf is slain...

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

it takes so little to set me off--

breathing

for example--

and my fellow bipeds

blundering into me

even if the street were empty

and no one else around

two or three of them

will out of nowhere

cross my path and block my progress

or the annoyances of a loved one--

you love her you'll die for her

and yet she does this thing

with thick-headed insistence on a point

or constant push-backs over stupid little things

late fifties and still acting like a stubborn child

trying to prove something--

or being crushed by the noise and stress

of the hated city in which I grew up

and which the town mice come to nibble on their vanity

and their yearning for significance

Big Apple my ass--I hate the place

always have

and it's the place it seems God will never allow

me to leave--

so it takes so little to set me off--

the vengeance of God

the dismissed lament of the punished--

the misrule of the "good"--

it takes so little to set me off

but here it all is

in abundance

Monday, November 14, 2011

leaders lead

followers follow

I put my faith in "Wrong Way" Corrigan

he so exemplifies human endeavor

I'm eating a ham and swiss sandwich right now

what the hell do you think you're doing now

that will make the world a better place?

you better give up your agendas

a better world is beyond the agendas of you

and your enemies

a better world transcends the world

and rests on the shoulders and hearts of those

with no plans for the world

and a good supply of deli products...(need I add, "har har"?)

I act outrageously sometimes

no spitting in the faces of the 1 %

or lifting the dresses of their trophy wives

nor will I abuse their children

(at least not much beyond the level of W.C. Fields

booting Baby LeRoy)

but I do and I will

put in their faces my rage

when I am sufficiently moved to do so

as ever it's the least I can do

the least I am capable of...

fuck you

no real manifest reason just

fuck you there I feel

better do you?

I hurt so much and think so little

and even as I squeeze the pus from the wound

even as I cleanse and medicate it

even as I apply the disinfectants

and dress the unsightly manifestation of my follies

I hurt so much and think much

on every one who is a physician trying to heal themselves

what a sick bay we comprise with all yowls of discontent

we all hurt and I think even healing is too little too late

so much for faith

so much for the delusion of our worship

God the doctor who won't take any insurance

I've said good bye so often

people think I'll live forever

but one day I'll be gone for good

and even I will be shocked as shit

God's Love is so hard

there's no need for a devil

watch the object of your desire

walk through walls

and be foolish enough to follow

mere mortal who winds up

in a plaster tomb

an arm reaching out

between the mantle place

and a window

God's Love

is so ironic there's no ability to laugh...

I invoke the old

or perhaps merely perpetual

idea of the

phoenix rising out

of his burnt pile

to be a new phoenix

who'll rise then fall

and burn in his ash heap

then rise again

then fall in a heap

then rise

then fall in a heap

then rise

then fall....

how all this endeavor

shakes out

is in every hand

but mine

I bury good stuff

with an perpetual onslaught

for people who care about it

as little as I do

Lie down old lion

your teeth are gone

you gaze at the setting sun

and the rumble in your belly

is low and unobtrusive

as the gazelle that bound out of reach

and jaunted away on its fresh hooves

a kill for some stronger cub coming up

night falls over the plains

and you gaze on the twilight

with slowly drooping lids

with no clue of your mortality

and only the knowledge of the instant

in which you're hunted

I peek through the portal in the air

beyond a gaggle of assholes

who don't know they are dead

and still act like jerk-offs

during the Freshman Rush

(and their hot little honeys

in their micro-minis

all a proposition away

from being porn stars

yes yes I hate them because I got old)

I see a glimmer in a distance

how to get through the Bardos in one

spiritual piece

that's the work cut out for me

more onerous than all

the bullshit I've had to face in the earth

you think you know something

I know you don't

but I know nothing

so how would I know?

thanks for spreading the word

you're all pals

you're all great

you all walk with a wisdom of your own

so you don't need my ignorance

what is mine

compared to yours?

it is as nothing

Thursday, November 10, 2011

A CHANGE OF WORLD

no "I told you so"s

even if the street corner prophets are having a field day

(an easy call after all)

now everything we've known

is being ripped away from us

and taking us with it

so a New Age is dawning

so the veil will finally part

and gods and mortals will have

direct content again

and what of it?

human nature is still the same

the same struggles will prevail

even as the fallen try dragging

the rest of us into oblivion with them

the enlightened will still

have to grapple with ego and pride

and be extra cautious about their orientation

the past is loved

the past is cherished

the past is every thing we've known

through all our ages

but the past was also a sin and a shame

good riddance to it

it was gone an instant after it happened

and we've lived entire lifetimes in its afterglow

now in the chaos and transformation of this

cosmic shift in creation

we will huddle together against the faithless hordes

who'd follow the last rolling coin over the cliff edge

falling into the Abyss that will wear the face

of all they've desired

and subsuming them into the perdition of their consequences

no one's in the clear as long as they are in flesh

no one's home safe until they've traversed the last raging roiling

surges of process and transformation

beware of your beliefs

anything you could imagine isn't it

and who

enlightened or not

has the strength to face the Reality

of the Ineffable Void?

no "I told you so"s

crank and prophet

good heart and evil m ind alike

will face the winnowing

the time has finally come

God (if God isn't the cold merciless force

we despair of) help us all

I climb off the soapbox

lovers still ignore the ranting

and walk arm in arm

until the brilliant Autumn leaves

families still saunter down the street

king of the castle pa and houseproud ma

hectored by their children for treats

intervening in the children's rivalries

(the little brother pushing his sister

while sister retaliates with a punch

and brother responds by squeezing the eyes of his sister

I almost burst out laughing

the Three Stooges endure!)

while cops on patrol pause to talk

to hot pretty little 'thangs'

who just love a universe

the night mild for November

and I realize Jesus was right

everything will go on as always

until the fateful apocalyptic moment

when reckoning falls

like the last leaves and branches of the tree

blown down by the howling wind...

peace to those who have died

who have already been released from this

mortal coil and were spared

this hell

this phase change

in the mere world

we are all together all alone

each of us one

all of us each of the other

whether pride (the only sin)

likes it or not

why ask what's next?

it's already here isn't it?

we cry to heaven

"Oh Infinite One help us"

and the heavens reply

"eh?"

hardship on hardship

beyond what we can endure

this is how the One exacts the price

this is how the One "saves" us

the bitterness of this beautiful planet

which we transform into this ugly hell

is to realize grace does not

supersede karma

that consequence plays out

to its sorrowful end

that (somehow) love and forgiveness

lies in this judgment

the last war will be the souls

who flee to the embrace of the Almighty

tangling with the lovers of matter

who will cling to the disappearing reality

of the conditional creation

that's Armageddon

that's the Reunification

that time no one may know

hold me my love

I'm as beaten and frightened as you

as we all are now

but if God truly is Love

if this change of world

is the step nearer to release

then let God save us through our embrace

the simplest truest Love

and Grace suffusing each aspect

of our faithfulness to each other

and through us to all other souls

if God is truly Love

then my only lover

hold me as I hold you

through this last night breaking on the dawn

* * *

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

any of us

could be gone in a flash

the 'holy joes' tell us to be ready

but ready for what?

we march toward the altar

we skip to the bone yard

any of us

could be gone in an instant

but where we end up

is the one destination

we each must find...

I may not....

the phone just rang

and I lost this train of thought...

that's for the best

my most representative description

may be

"I may not..."

how happy the ones who recall

they've set their course

before this beautiful planet

interfered with that deeper knowledge

and sent us out looking for

what is already ours

I'm not going to stop

until God brings me down Himself

which is trash talk

since that's the drill in any and all cases

how foolish we are

to think we can call any shots

how sad we are

to think our freedom is truly free

like birds we follow the grace

of the vectors of being

and we fail whenever we stray

from those channels

our imaginations will bring us

down yet and that's how God

will bring us down

our hearts beating in spite of ourselves

until they cease and we

in our skins cease...

the first word is never easy

the last one is never hard

the first word is never hard

but the last one is never easy

the first one now will later be last

what'd'ya say?

imposing closure

is a good way

to get locked

out of your life

take my advice

as I pick

at the lock of mine

I relinquish my claim to a point of view

all I once knew to be true has turned false

a whole new world of souls has said so

they believe their eyes less than they believe mine

and they've said so with all the entitled arrogance

of a majority tempting to dispense with the wheel

and invent a plane that defies gravity

no I do not believe them

no I do not trust them

but my world has been torn down

and I am dumbfounded at how quickly

the long life of an age has passed

only a faker would dare express an opinion

welcome to a world of fakers

while I keep my thoughts to myself

seeking out my exit...

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

the end is certain

but the beginning is frightening

I wish I could stopping thinking

about where this way leads

even if I knew and even if I could do

anything about my mode of conveyance

what destination in this world would be

anyplace different than what I've known?

different languages different beliefs

different customs or rules of conduct

all the different races of people

so what? I'm not dealing with another species

I know very well my heart their heart or yours

whatever ending pries open a beginning

no more jive

from this crash test dummy

let the Master Mechanic

test and tune engines until they burn out

it's the scrap-heap for me

the junkyard dog tearing at my tires

and lying there destroyed

the model that didn't make the grade

God the Surgeon

heats the blade

gives a quick shot of liver-ruining whiskey

and immediately starts to slice

the sinful abcess cutting deep

then squeezing the pus out

into huge oozing globs

getting every last drop out

before swabbing the wound

and packing it in gauze

as thick as a boot

then as I lay passed out

He turns and saunders off

proud of Himself

mercy

cried the blind man

whose

mercy

was not to see

where are my thoughts of

forgiving process

and lovers who hurt and heal me

in the same embrace?

where are my mystic moments

that remove me from worlds

where heart and mind face off

staring at each other?

where is that saving grace

that's supposed to supplant karma?

was I so heinous that

I deserve no mercy?

where and when is the release

for which I uselessly ask?

every time I think 'good' thoughts

bad things happen in abundance

it's as if the very Way to any heaven

leads me straight to every hell

I tried to go peaceably

but the Power-That-Be

are ornary and unforgiving

and It's not through with me

so I dream a feeble dream

of repentance and redemption

while The One cancels out

my and everyone's exemption

a walk on the beach near sunset

in abnormally warm November weather

I am the deep copper sunlight on the northern cliffs

curling around the inlet

the salt air sweet with detritus washed from the sea

these dead littering the sand while a slow pace

steps around them and the air suffuses the senses

in the separating womb whit the flush of finish

long shadows creep up the cliff walls

as the sun tint begins to fade and far off piles of bellied clouds

glow over the eastern horizon where a gathering dark

forms to launch the night's ascent

I am this scene until I am not and this scene

this absolute instant remains in the memory of the Void

you--the secret heart of these poems and observations--

you are with me ever

as I--the explicit body of these visions of yours--

will join you when I've washed ashore

the way to live life

is to look at life as a huge incoming wave

and you're a surfer who has to play the curl

and thrust of the wave

and ride it upright to the shore.

Monday, November 7, 2011

the full moon in Taurus

closes me down

and my life (what's left of it)

pivots on this moon

opens a new way

from the old closure

I lie in bed

and watch the waxing gibbous

approach this point

and the weariness feels good

and slipping into sleep

is as peaceful as the breathing of a baby

would my actual leaving of the world

be this calming this serene

but however it comes

I'll follow the full moonlight up

and toss down a secure line

for who of my tribe will follow...

I am sore vexed and angry

to be in this skin

what soothing calm will heal me

when I let out what is within?

there's no proof for anything

and all who offer proof are fakers

face the Mystery yourself

and accept it as a truth

I'm getting old

I'm going soft

while the fortunate grow cold

as their spirit rise aloft

I've done enough mortal damage

after all this I can wait

and if a loved one reads a homage

I'll hear it where one's never late...

I keep trying to leave you

and one day I will

then no more art will confront you

when I will be still...

does the snake ache

when he sheds his skin?

oh how I miss the strippers

the drunken nights of lechery and mental dislocation

the altered states of awareness

the cold dawns at early coffee shops

after a night of debauchery

now all of it could put me in sick bay

in an instant

now all of it would even kill me outright

age hobbles us

then takes away our crutches

and any wistful envy of the young

is mitigated knowing

they also will come to this decay

some day...

Jack the cat is dead

lost at JFK getting free of his fatal baggage

and wandering the terminal for 61 days

until a plunge through a roof

gave him wounds from which he could not recovery

God damn American Airlines

who ran the 'Airbus' that crashed

on Belle Harbor two months after 9/11

and God Damn their 'condolences'

and the imbeciles at Kennedy International

the brain-dead ex-cons

who's second chance is to land a gig

where they could care less about the job they are doing

and frisk young women and old ladies

at security checkpoints

and let animals go because they're just animals

and what do they matter?

God Damn this whole earthly systems

breeding human monsters

the drones and their savage bosses

who think they are God's representatives on earth

or who don't believe there's a God at all

all the filthy power-madness that passes for human desire

and rules this world continuously to its fatal ends

God Damn all these little tyrants

and God Bless poor little Jack

who's last days must have been a bewilderment

few of us could have sustained

we all are Jack the Cat

and we all are looking for that clearance to lift free

of the runway and leave this miserable world

which is also the suspect design of the Perfect One

Jack the Cat's turd is worth more

than the whole stinking enterprise

and we envy him the ending of his misery

may he find and play with my buddies William

and Mammi in that heaven of animals Dickey wrote about

even there faithful to the human spirit

that showed him the love the World could not muster

Sunday, November 6, 2011

dead pecker fill this seed with wood

that it may grow your leg again...

screaming days that turn out fine in the end

high intensity fretting that rips holes in the heart

pounding blood making pulsating brain

splatter in its pan and onto skull walls

for no damn good reason

attend me now then be gone

over-reactions of blunt disappointment

cursing the clanking gears of the moment for being

the clanking gears of the moment...

Saturday, November 5, 2011

oh so gentle

the bitter tears

after the raging lust for life

that tears life itself

so gentle

the bitter tears

stilling the heart

without absolution

a stake through the heart

just a stake through that sacred heart

will free us from that vampire's spell

and remind us of the gentle human loves

that never seem good enough

for the vampire of righteousness

death to him and life to us

to hell with him and those who want to be him

I feel that my best

is behind me

it is only

a self-estimation

that has expired

on the shelf

of my capitulation

to what?...you name it...

why must You be such an asshole about everything?

isn't being "all there is" enough for You?

it's as if You're no better or different than us

except you saddled us with the liability

while You took no blame for Your own creation

and now You want hosannas up the whazoo

and punish us if we don't give them

and you wonder why we fail and fall

looking for the home that doesn't exist

looking for the love that is cruel jest

no wonder mystics are miserable in the world

is it homelessness for heaven

or realization that there is no heaven?

or that we are alone in nothingness

it nothing we nothing

nothing nothing

and nothing at all the asshole that is everything

You nothing All nothing

(...and please don't say "...and that's something")

and that's something

(oh you asshole you just had to say it...)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

birth is birth and death is death

and in between you hold your breath

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

long as I'm in this world

I may as well keep my shields up

you can't trust anybody but yourself

and not even yourself if you don't know

what you're about...

a man doesn't like to see another man make it

be wary of those preaching brotherhood

that helping hand just might

have a joy buzzer in it

of the many who wish so hard

to die and leave the confusion of the World

there are those who fear death

both for the guilt of what they perceive

as imminent punishment for a wasted life

and the plain fear of the actual trauma

of actually passing over

the physical body ceasing and withdrawing

back into the elements

from which they were drawn

what to say to these in their mortal pain

that they can take?

compassion makes us wrack our brains

but let what soothing do what it can

we are all in this eternal mystery

and we go as we will

phil milito day blog