6 YEARS

6 years at this blog


how much damage

in 6 years


how much decline

watching my best years

passing at last


but what has been

and what's to come

are here inside me now


and how the hurts fade

and how the joy and relief


return strongly to the awareness


6 years to learn of 6 years dismay

gone now in all that is....





Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I stand on a hill


like Lucifer Overlooking Paradise

looking down on the carnival

that at best is human life in the earth


until I die a twinge will always pinch

some part of my heart

but the silver cord is over me


like a sparking streetcar cable

and it is a matter of moments...instants...

before the cord is severed


and I rise over the fairgrounds

and look down on those who'll follow me

in their own good time


standing on a disappearing hill....






Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

how pleasing

to no longer

have to think about

the swinging hips of women


I see them and think

'they're trouble for someone else now'

more ecstatic that engaging that energy

is to watch it pass knowing I'm done








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I want to be done with all this

and I will be be


but I don't know when or where or how

but that an end is at hand


is enough to give me a comfort

nothing in the earth


has ever afforded me

and that's as close to gratitude as I can get for now








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

you've got something to say to me?


don't waste your breath


I'm not listening

I'm too busy settling


my worldly affairs

to the best of my ability


if mortality overtakes me


then it's for the unfortunates who'll have to clean up after me....









Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I worked all night

and when I was done


dawn wasn't even ready

to manifest


night work cannot be read and understood

during the day


so I sleep all day

and work like a soul below at night...


salutary...to say the least....







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

if you must worship

a mere writer

make it Kafka


he got it right


of course it won't matter

if you're as deep as a puddle

then you'll love the surface


like amoebas sliding across a slide







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I DEFY YOU

I defy you to find

the 'mercy' in the 'judgment'


if you think you can make

your own amends


you'll be sadly mistaken

only Vengeance obtains


only suffering under the merciless One

is the way to wipe the slate


and even then what a fool to say

'how blessed are we'


any self-laud will undo your suffering

and let you in for more


I defy you to find the love

in the loveless One







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

all I've lost in my passage through

this earth is still in my possession


the content of my being

is memory and memory holds


even more than I can consciously remember

so much more than I bank my sense


of well-being on and makes a mock of the small folly

of thinking all is lost...nothing is....






Content (c)2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I wasn't sure

so I didn't care

how I ended up

how I was going down


and now that I am going down

I'm pleased I'm holding steady

to how I see these last lengths

no terror to turn me coward


no sorrow at leaving a life

that was nothing but hell

except for those sweet vulnerable

little instants as fugitive as any joy


and these may still be in abundance

somewhere down the line





Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

everything and nothing


what I hold in my mind is never lost

what I hold in my hand is barely remembered


what I hold is memory

the whole content of my being


ever inclusive and not missing

and not forgotten and ever


something and anything









Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

it was a long time to wait

for death

I knew it could come

at any second

but who knew

how few and far

between

those seconds could be


even as they speed past

like moonlight

polishing a frosty window

they are still

few and far between

making only the wait long....








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I'll wait a bit

but I can't for much longer


we only have the time here

we are allotted


I wait for you as long as I can

but if I fail it will be


the unrelenting splash

carrying us beyond promises and hopes












Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

regret means nothing

sorrow is useless

think instead

of your next glorious chance

to succeed or to fail


and either way just as

useless or meaning nothing


no difference except that

it is for the instant


new







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

BETWEEN STATIONS

just because every imbecile

is entitled to his say


doesn't mean we have to be

a captive audience for this crap


as if we were required to put our ear

up to the speaker and turn the volume


up full to the deafening distortion of this

jabbering between stations...


would dissent be as blessed and accepted....






Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

SELF-EXAMINATION

watching children at play

makes me cry...


I know what they'll be in for...


oh wee wee wee how sensitive


ah...got me there...


forgive my reprehensible slide

into mawkishness...


sometimes I just want to be like

a normal...


oh wee wee wee never mind....








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

THANKSGIVING?

thanksgiving


so much to be thankful for

and so much not to be


but in a world

where a crust of bread


and a mouthful of

not-too-diseased water


is so scarce

it is cause for killing


to make such a fetish

of gratitude is like the lip service


of brotherhood as your eyes

avert a beggar


thankful for the imagined distance....










Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

SERVING SELF OR ANOTHER?

hard

soft

mean

kind


what's

on

your

mind?


don't

want

to

say


honesty'll

make

me

pay


a

price

I

can't


afford

well

then

that's


an

end

on

it


I

won't

ask

if


you

won't

say

and


why

if

it's

really


not

my

business

anyway


so

much

for

reaching


out

without

genuine

empathy


mean

or

kind

without


any

mind

to

tell








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I have diabetes

I have cirrhosis

I have cellulitis

I have a heart murmur

I have some fungal growth

around the head of my cock

and achy joints

and I'm tired all the time


and it's like

everything coming down

on my head at once

I can't hope

I can't wish

I can't plan

something in me

has run its course


and no mercy from the heavens

or my own healthful change of habits


give me a smoke and a drink

(some herb would be nice if you're holding)


I mean if I'm this fucked up

then why not run out the whole thread


I don't want to save myself

as an example of what to or not to do

and you'd resent it if I held

myself up like that

(I know I'd be)

just know this is my way

and we should both hope it doesn't

turn out to be yours....






Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

no rest here

in this beautiful earth


what seems a perfect dimension

is always before us


but unseen in the stresses

that distract us from our divine business


no rest here

nor was there ever meant to be


but for the moments of peace

that come between happenings


the moments outside of time

that manifest between one experience and another


no rest here

but for the brief instants of our realizations







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

we remember our true estate

fleetingly


between distractions

of doubt and remorse


but overcoming

these earthly blockages


is how we remember

our true estate








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

happy is the one

whose burden

dark and crushing

becomes light and weightless


in the faith in

one's own strength

to straighten the mind

to gut the illusion of unworthiness







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

ignore what you cannot face

dismiss what you will not handle


it will not go away


it will be there to defeat you

in the end


so defeat it yourself

face it head on


so it will no longer have power over you








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

let sleep like a blanket

cover me up

warm me like the heater

of a long winter's night

and hide me away

until the final night passes

and the unending morning prove

my dream has awakened









Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

ETERNAL CITY NOCTURNE

warm pools of light

under every lamppost


on the frigid sidewalk

of the winter's night


lining the street

like breaks in the row


a trail of spots to the corner

knotted into the traffic light








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All right reserved.

people wait

for what is already theirs


and mourn the time wasted

not realizing their bounty








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

every moment of living

someone makes an exit


and a tribe is diminished

by that much


but the golden sun

the long shadows of afternoon


those things that plucked

certain strings on our instruments


they continue to reverberate

while each of us


awaits our time to go

and the permanence of that scene


makes it seems as if there is no time at all

but our very living....





Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

contemptuous wit

gives a shit


if it didn't

then it would be neither


and no one would care








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

INFERNAL COGS

your unimaginative mental functions

give you a place in the machine

and being mindless you're happy and proud

to be this infernal cog


if this is some divine necessity

filling out a term of process on our way

to stiff-necked unforgiving perfection

then don't bother yourself with me


I'll be happier to go than you'll ever be

to see me leave

sorry only to miss what your come-down will be

what shit your children will treat you as...


so long...I hate this plan

and I hate your world....








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

THIS IS IRONY YOU STIFF-NECKED MOOKS

I'm thinking of having a lobotomy


I'm jealous of all the fools

who glide through life


wrecking everything they touch

and not giving a damn


while others have to clean up

after them


somehow that isn't selfishness...

even Martha was put down by Jesus


"hey...cool out...worship me...

I'm the Way and your dedication to duty


is getting in the way..."

I'm thinking of having a lobotomy


it looks like the only way to please the One....





Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

must leave

must go

but where?

but how?









Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

MISCHIEF

mischief over and over again

a thinking person would despair

the world an operating room

our relations the lobotomy









Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

ANOTHER PAGE

Book of Life

turns another page

some antics

for another age


but the plot's the same

the story is old

and because we are stupid

it needs be re-told


so we hear again

the angst of the wounded

against the howling

of those vital unbounded


who bring stories to an end

only to tell them again







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

this chapter done

the next one to come

we do what we must

until we leave with the dust







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

how many endings

to any one story?


life after life

you rewrite your script


and though

the episodes vary


the endings

are never in doubt







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Miito. All rights reserved.

some middle ground

between near and far

between here and there

between what I’ve left

and to what I go on

I stand in

like at a bus stop on

a foggy night

thicker than wet plaster

in an unknown city

without a bus schedule

waiting for a bus

to take me

God knows where….









Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I wanted you

to know I was sorry


and if that’s as far

as it goes


then at least

I am released







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

wide wings cover the sun


red eyes peer down

over the human landscape

without mercy

without any particular violence


as if power assured

this apparition could afford

its diffidence

as it scoped out its next intended


supplicant

a useless sacrifice in the growing shadow

swallowing all the ground under its advance

unstoppable as any sunset or moonrise


wide wings folding in the night





Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

no matter

what went for ill or good


we all wind up here

in our decline


last leg of the home stretch

bringing the race home


and bouquets for all whether

for ill or good







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I didn't mean to hurt you

but intent is as nothing


I could not awaken you

to my reality


and all I could do

was disdain yours


and the love we did realize...


does it matter after all?

will it ever matter to a judgement

that ever finds us lacking


and for whom our best intent

is another joke of our selves?

how I wish our falsity were truth


how I wish love did make a difference







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

somebody nailed my ear

to a door

and now I'm forced to hear

every nefarious plan

God and his minions

are planning against us

in the name of righteousness

and the glory of some

intolerant perfection


this is my punishment

for being a little holy joe

my whole life wasted trying to attain

a simplicity as unforgivable

as a deliberate fart in the face of psychopathology







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

fire burns its brightest

just as it's about to go out


see in that flare

the rest of your journey


and proceed into the dark

know your eyes will adjust


the blackness itself until you return

to the very blaze at the root of fire








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

aren't you happy to see the world go to smash?


you're vindicated!

your placards and street-corner crankery

have been justified


your easy call for apocalypse

and destruction of all evil earthly order

has been answered in full flush of manic self-mysticism


but oh what a handful you will be

when the humble many climb out

of their shelters and begin to rebuild in the ashes


of what has gone before and you like petulant Jonah

will be pissed at the divine mercy that has spared us

yet again and upset your smug denouements


happy to see whose world go to smash?






Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I wonder how black

the blinding sunshine

when the cord is cut

and I'm released


like a lost balloon

to rise free and clear

of all that held me

tethered to my aches and shames


but best of all

oh very best of all


in that darkness of whitest light

my eyes will adjust

and I will see where I was recede

and its claims still to be accounted


but at least diminished






Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

no one understands

another's suffering

like they do

their own hungers


and empathy

and compassion

padlocks on the heart

after all


no one understands








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. Al rights reserved.

all words are wasted


deaf with pride and power

no one hears anything


but their own machinery

clanking around


in their ears

and moving mouths silent


to all but the sayer








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

hard cut

for healing


bleed the

wound


flush the

pus


wash it

clean


and

disinfect


then just

kiss


the wound

you've paid


for









Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

a newspaper horoscope

told me to be with those

who shared my values...

I stifled a laugh and coffee

spurted out of my nose...


no one I know

shares my values

which explains why some

hate me at first sight and others

love me...but not quite enough...


it's rough to be with those who don't get you...

and I have nothing but...whether lover friend or foe...


and people wonder why I want to die and go on...

or at least be left alone in some twilight to dream and pine....






Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

ordinary cold creases the day


but it's about time

it's the middle of November

and we'd had a very mild Autumn


and I feel alive

for the first time in a month


absolutely love the cool and cold weather

(anything above 70 sets me off sweating

as if I were dunked in a pond

and left to drip on hot stones)


that's all I wanted to say

it may be nothing to the eternal Middle East madness

or mutant strains or the growing pathology of crowds


but it's my stay against the Plague for another day





Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

this is the most peaceful

easy night in which

to go to sleep I've felt in ages


free of a life-long mythology

that did nothing but stay

and hamper each move


and how sweet to awaken at liberty

relieved from that morning-after

rue and guilt and fear that maybe I was wrong


no way that will prevail after so many years

wrestling with no demon but myself

and this is the poetry I make of it now


empty and calm as a biography fades

and the reader turns a new page







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

CREED FROM BEYOND THE PALE

guess I'll be seein' y'all

sooner than expected


a giant spike up my ass

has informed me


that the Almighty

is nowhere near


being done

fucking with me


this thing

is serious about


demanding obedience

and crushing who mocks it


who puts all responsibility

for good on us


then disregards it

and crushes us anyway...


if there is some utter transcendence

beyond the thing


where no loving amends

are destroyed for the sake


of some wild brutal force

whose perfection allows


no forgiveness

it must be by an absolute loss


of personality

since to be in the thing's creation


is to be in your own Outer Darkness...

so be the apple of some imaginary god's eye


be a pimple in the ass of this creation

be a shit stain on the floor of hell


you put yourself there

by being stupid enough to believe in a hating god


and not in a transcendence to which constant suffering

will release you


to which your soul will find its completeness

in the utter and total awareness


of sizzling vivid nothings...

may I survive to find this way out...done...


this is the perpetual field of play...

now True Metempiric Only One


what's the deal?






Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I've cried for release most of my life

and now I realize...realize fully that at last


my time is finally at hand...

this must be the way the majority of us die...


we have no more to say...(we've been redundant

for months and year for a fact)...nothing new...


nothing fresh...no love for the fevers

of the generation currently at prime...


so I finally calm down...finally find some

twitchy peace (oh the resentments of a life


do not totally die away...but they do soften

and find their place in the Akasha's laundry list


of karmic acts...oh the unforgiving bullshit of God...)

as long as I'm in the home stretch I can start gliding...


may I see all of you again in the Winner's Circle....





Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

you can do nothing

but swallow shit


no amends you make

make any difference


the only way to pay

a karmic debt is eat God's shit


God's Vengeance unyielding

and unforgiving


give up your childish religions

and don't bank on the miraculous


don't expect to be forgiven

you pay you're price and are damned if you break


the "God of Goodness" will do nothing but make

you swallow shit....















Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I have nothing left of my past


but if I survive the carnage of its passing

will it be for what empty possibilities

of which I never could avail myself?


best I keep fears to myself

out of all dyings come new births


what will be in it for me? for you? for any of us?







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

ICU

from NYU's ICU unit

you can see the 59th Street Bridge

but from where the bed is placed

and the equipment plugged in

you cannot see the ancient Pepsi-Cola sign


you could if you could stand up and walk

but you're tethered to an EKG machine

and punctured like a pin cushion with IV

pick lines of antibiotics

and you can do absolutely


without some nurse coming to help you

piss or shit or fetch something off a near-by table


some would appreciate such close monitoring

I think next time I'd rather die on the way to the hospital






Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

in this pre-dawn window

I look out to the lit street

into the coming morning


I'm sure I'll rage and laugh again

alternately and concurrently

before this understanding of an

approaching end to this life

that seemed mere days ago

to be far in some unformed future


and now here it is and there it goes

and now here I am and there I go








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

how bizarre that after so much suffering

one feels an unstoppable urge to laugh









Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

...as if anything mattered


after all you've sought for

and struggled to achieve

was snatched away from you

just as you were about to attain it...


don't praise unduly or be grateful

for your wreck...the only thing you'll learn

from it is pain...and that nothing matters....










Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I won't be sorry to leave a place

that broken me down

despite any amends I've made


the Heartless One

at the center of all that is

manifest and unmanifest


is infinite in everything

but mercy and forgiveness






Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

another Friday morning

in God's World


with so many

drinking themselves to death


and so many others

stuck in bitterness


and regret

because the system


they bought into

is killing them by degrees


and they're too

invested to care


such is this Friday (and every) morning

in God's World








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

ingratitude

lies behind

your disdain

your condescension


leaving people sorry

they bothered to help


yes you'll get yours


but so what?











Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

the chief virtue

is pathology


our world is

example enough








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

aren't you blessed among hedge funders?


you got away clean

in your own private airplane

heading to Costa Rica


and made it...


only postponing the inevitable

hanging in a cell....








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

it's not that I think

I'm so much better


it's more like

you're so much worse








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I wish I could still laugh

at the follies of humanity


but the joke is so old and stale

and God knows they never stop


telling it....









Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

the fact that people think realists are negative

proves what a pitiful world we live in


when a social pressure for being positive

is thought to insulate people from their fears


I prefer to be sadder but wiser

rather than happier and stupid


but then I'm a realist

and who am I against so many?










Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

those we cannot hope to emulate

on any higher ground


are the exceptions to humankind

not the rule








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

give a man some power

and watch him fail every moral test







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

fools vote with their fears and their stupidity

the wise vote with their courage and their brains


that's why fools always win....






Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I'm not sure

if I'll return


but if I do

it must be for something else


the eons revolve

this past age has exploded


and dispersed us like seeds

to bloom in the arriving


dispensation...

if we are to return


it must be as something better

than we had been


or why bother striving?

what we had we ruined for ourselves


will the lesson finally be learned? the wisdom really gained?

let's join up with God and old gray beard Whitman


and those who came before and will come after

waiting for us somewhere....





Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

you won't miss me

when I'm gone


forgive me

for being

too real


forgive me

for thinking

it mattered











Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

useless hope and trying

have finally reached an end


no more lonely crying

no pity left to spend


and what's to come looms larger

and tension is mounting


the time has come to face up

to this lifetime's accounting






Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

anger

even when I'm cordial and friendly


so I'm told

in reproach


and nothing makes me

angrier than being


told this

in reproach





Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

living in a dream

working in a dream

playing in a dream

loving in a dream

being born in a dream

dying in a  dream

sleeping in a dream


ending when Shiva wakes up







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I don't know or care what happens next


I am dazed in the blaze of daily hell

and that is how it works in this world


to have every good deed or amendment undone

while enduring the judgments of idiots


who need to walk a mile into the Wilderness

before they start to scream for their imaginary lives


and understand the hell of facing alone the Darkness of God








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

fool fool fool that I am

I am broken down in my price


and part of the price is to have

no amendment good enough


to call forth even a drop of grace

that's not the way it works


and it took a whole wasted life

to find this out (not wasted because I learned it?


fuck that

it doesn't stop the hurting)








Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

as if I weren't fool enough


I keep hoping for

some kind of redemption


though everything's gone wrong

and there is no mercy in God for it


the inner wounded child keeps yearning against

the hard facts of the world


fool enough for so many more lifetimes









Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I'm rocketing to the end of the line


with my worthless atonements

with my crazed ideas of paradise

with my unmitigated love of cunt

with my soul-deep sorrow at being in this world at all


and give up my mistaken notions of forgiveness

to rock every love and stone every fool


whatever God's judgement will be

this God sits there and weeps for us

and lifts no finger to help

but only to judge and punish


(our idiotic attempts at repentance atonement and amendment

worthless for not being perfect enough)


I'm rocketing to the end of the line

and grace and mercy and forgiveness can be what it is or not

I'm bowing in respect and love to every good soul

suffering under the tyranny of the Law

and goosing every ass bent over in presentation

(oh you impossibly alluring crazy women)


I've suffered enough

let the Boss do what the Boss will do in demanding

our love on pain of death

(the One has more to be forgiven for than to forgive us)


and if truth itself destroys us let it


I love life and I love love

and I'm rocketing to the end of the line


I'm finally ready to go






Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

awake or dead to the world


nothing matters

nothing changes


you just live your life

and after it's done


you learn too late

what you should have done to atone


and that wouldn't've made a difference either






Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

I've stopped

talking to the sky


now there truly is

profound silence







Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

been walkin' that

proverbial "long lonesome

road" for so long


it looks like I

haven't gone anywhere...


that's why I see

everything speeding past me


when I rest....





Content (c) 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved.

oh how much

being with you

has brought down

on my head


lessons in patience

amends made in tiny ways

and love I sometimes feel

I'm not up to


simply because it's on my head






Content 2008-2014 Philip Milito. All rights reserved